Repairing Relationships, Shifting My Perspective, and Taking a Break
Earlier this month I had lunch with a client at one of my favorite restaurants, Hillstone.
As I mauled my way through the warm spinach artichoke dip with housemade tortilla chips, my client asked how I repair disruptions in my marriage. Given that I've worked very hard over the last two-plus decades to run my relationship into the ditch on more than one occasion, I am quite familiar with the repair process! Here are three suggestions I shared with my client. If you're experiencing a personal or professional relationship disruption I hope these are helpful for you, too.
What's working? It's easy to identify what's wrong while forgetting what's strong. Perspective always helps.
Can I increase trust? I love Brene Brown's metaphor for trust: it's a jar full of marbles, which is earned one marble at a time. If I'm unable to add marbles to the jar, I do my best not to cause the jar to fall off the table.
Who can help me? I'm fortunate to have great resources in my corner. I ask for their help in 'looking under the hood' especially with my thinking, which can become quite dualistic in these moments.
Shifting my perspective
I had a bruiser of a week last week, which included multiple stories generated by my Insane Thought Generator. The stories were pulling me into a dualistic mind, which Richard Rohr describes as "reading reality in simple binaries -- good and bad, right and wrong -- and thinks itself smart because it chooses one side. This is getting us nowhere."
It definitely got me nowhere! By the end of the week my frustration level was high and my energy level low -- and then I began criticizing myself. Not helpful! During my morning practice this past Sunday I felt a tug: what if these stories were just a reminder to STFD (Slow The F* Down) and pause? That reframe helped me shift my perspective on the week from 'ugh' to 'here's how I learn and grow from the week'.
Taking a break
Another Brene Brown plug: she recently shared a post on social media announcing two things. First, she's celebrating 26 years of sobriety. As someone who has consumed a lot of her content, I'm grateful she chose a recovery path. Second, Brene is taking a break from podcasting and social media over the summer. In announcing the break she shared the following quote from actress, screenwriter, and director Michaela Coel:
"Do not be afraid to disappear, from it, from us, for a while and see what comes to you in the silence."
Over the last few months I've been feeling the tug to take a break from social media. After reading Brene's message with Michaela's amazing quote, I've decided to take that break in June. I'll let you know how it goes, and if you need to share something with me there's always email and -- wait for it -- the phone. As someone who began his career in telecommunications, I always appreciate a call or voice mail!